Looking Beyond The Stench

Today as I stood in line to purchase my food, a man stood ahead of me.  I had to take a few steps back because his smell was so strong that it made me nauseous.  I was taken back by his smell and rather aggravated that his stench was interrupting what I had hoped would be a delicious little treat at lunch.  He was about to remind me of something rather important.

The man ordered his small meal, the cheapest thing on the menu.  As I stood six feet away from him still in a direction that I could still smell him, I noticed his hair.  It obviously had been a very long time since it was washed.  You could see where he had attempted to brush it.  However, the oil was so heavy on his scalp that is shined through his thick hair.  His clothes were stained and he struggled to stand and had to lean on things.  He didn't appear to be more than 35.

It wasn't that I was offended by him at all, it was just his smell that took my breath away.  He didn't smell of liquor or look strung out on drugs.  He could of been but I wouldn't of known that.  It was just that his odor was killing the fresh smell of the yummy food I had hoped to enjoy.  I was being inconvenienced. 

After all, it was only three weeks ago that I was at the same restaurant when I was approached by another gentleman asking for food.  I didn't have cash on me and told him so.  I went on in and ordered my food.  However, I could see hunger in his face and went back outside and offered to buy him a meal along with a drink.  He politely said "yes please."  Instead of just ordering him a random meal, I brought him in with me and let him order what he wanted.  I just don't believe that in our country, anyone should ever go hungry.  As I left there that day, I shed tears that maybe just for a meal, I could fill his tummy.

So today, I didn't realize at the time I was trying to avoid this man's smell that he was homeless.  Being homeless doesn't bother me.  His story like many other are much more than the fact that he lives on the street, in alley ways, under bridges or anywhere he can rest.

As I sat there eating my food, I looked out the window to see his home, his belongings all in one place under a brown tarp inside a shopping cart with bags hanging all around and a sleeping pad rolled up underneath.  My heart just felt such empathy at that time but also shame.  I keep telling myself that I wasn't being judgmental.  The fact is I was irritated by him, by his stench.  How dare his smell take away from a tough day that I was already having.

The man didn't notice me.  I wasn't a part of his world.  This man was just trying to eat his food.  He was about to go back out in a cold and wet world.  I was about to climb into my warm van and head to my job.  My head would rest on a soft pillow underneath my warm quilts with a full tummy tonight.

Tonight I will hope for warmth for this man.  Yes, I would hope that he can bathe and feel clean as well.  For this man, he is probably just wanting to survive another day.

What can we do to insure no one goes hungry in this country?  

Do we start with this city?  

Then the County?  

Then the State?  

Then the East?  

Then the Country?  

How can we help others without judging their circumstance?

Walk the Talk Rant...

Life is about choices... about priorities... whether it is relationships, business, health care, house care, adventures.... It is up to us to show who or what is important to us by making those priorities known.

Talk is cheap. Walk the talk.

Show the love, take care of business and take care of yourself. NO ONE will take better care of you than you. DO NOT wait for others or things to make you happy. Only you have that power. Happiness is not a thing. It is a state of being!

If you feel lost or neglected or unsure, then look into the mirror and make changes!

Stop the insanity by doing the same thing over expecting different results. (one of my personal favorites)

Seriously, sometimes you need to stop. Listen to what you need. Feel it. Embrace it. Then take action.

People will tell you what they think you want to hear in spite of what they do.

Fact is that life is a fragile beautiful thing.... love, family, business, school - it is all a crazy beautiful thing.

Emotions... If you are feeling it, it is real to you.

Just thinking.... Pondering on life, love, and the great universe....

This is not a literacy work of art. Just the rants on an emotional woman who loved being disconnected last week and wants it back. Feel the breeze in my hair, watch the sea turtles glide through ocean and smell the salt air. Reality check... :-(

My Rainbow and Unicorn World

Rainbow and Unicorns are not all that I see in the world.   However,  I admit that I try to envision the world full of rainbows, unicorns, butterflies and moon pies...   It isn't that I don't see the real world. It isn't that I can't handle the truth.  The truth is just so hard to stomach and I want to try and bring some brightness to it.   So often I joke of my rose colored glass world I pretend to live in...

There is a reason to my blog today.  The truth is that this very adorable little baby that I sang to today is name Kendra Marie.  Ask me why?  It isn't for her heritage.  She was given a "white" name.  As she feels out applications and moves through life. Her mother wanted her to not be judge by the color of her skin.  The fact is she will be just like her mother has been and her mother before her.  Her mother was able to get in the door of a University by not checking her race on the application but simply showing her grades and scores with this "white" name. This prominent university that otherwise wouldn't have given her much notice wants to make sure that their personal numbers of drop out are lessened. Obviously, if her skin was brown, they felt she would be prone to drop out.  Close minded?

My family that raised me is far from perfect but the color of someone's skin did not prevent my father from handing manger position after manager position to someone that DESERVED it regardless of their skin tone.  As humans is that not what we are suppose to do.  This is what I took away from my bringing up.  I did leave the "negativity" and ugly comments that did come from the lips of distant family members.  I have always thought of hatred and racism as being something ignorant people would do.  It amazes me to see highly intelligent people be so closed minded and say such ignorant things.  Racism is taught by many families form many different backgrounds of many different colors.

Racism is across the board.  It doesn't stop with those that share a similar color to me.  It is every where and will always be to some degree.  Educating others and sharing stories such as the one above about names is just one little insightful way to share and make aware.   The pain, the fear, and so much more need to be shared to help everyone come together and open eyes to more than just skin color. 

My two God daughters are of mixed heritage.  Their beauty is beyond compare with what lies on the outside as well as what lies within.  One is only five and has a lifetime ahead of her.  Another is in college and already knows all too well the racism that she is faced with everyday. Both children will face a journey of being judged for the color of their skin.  This is inevitable and has already been a part of their lives.  It would kill me to know that my inspiring Goddaughter that sits at college with her brilliant mind would be refused anything in life due to her beautiful skin color.  

Being raised in the 80's, I was exposed to many different people as I traveled between three different high schools in three different areas of the country. I am not sure if I choose friends wisely but I didn't have friends that were racist.  So, I didn't see it up front and center.  I find such beauty in the differences amongst the human race.  I often place my arm next to my friends to see the beauty in our skin tones as we create our own rainbow.  I often forget that not everyone shares this love of mine.  Most of the time it is simply due to the fact that they have not exposed themselves to the beauty that can be found in all the colors of our most wonderful human rainbow.  So, when I talk about rainbows, it isn't just the one that you may see after a rain.  I see rainbows in many things....from unique music from all over the world to the languages that are spoken to the dances we dance to the land that we travel and to the people that make up the human race.

By the way, unicorns are real! 

My Little Reminder of Strength

You may ask why I have a picture of me and this little tree that shows damage.  I pass this tree at least five to six times a week and always look its way.  This is the tree that shares some of my personal scars and proves that things may happen in our lives but it doesn't always have to define life; to define us.

We have the power within to endure pass the pain and pass the damage.  Though the scar is very painful, it will heal.  Over time, we adapt to the pain and eventually are able to use it to grow.

Like the tree, I reached up to feel the sun and let it warm me.  Like the tree, I dug my roots deep to hold on to the ground beneath my feet.  Like the tree, I did not hide but reach my branches out to feel my surroundings and keep growing.

This tree was once deemed destroyed and was to be replaced in 2002 I believe.  I paid the owners of the property that this tree called home the money to cover it's removal and replacement.  The owners closed their shop and never did remove the tree.  The tree sat that for many years continuing to grow despite the pain that had been thrown upon it by a car that flew through the air at it.  You see, my late husband had been driving a car at extreme high speeds and lost control going around a bend and ended his ride that morning at this tree.  He did walk away from the accident but only by a miracle.  The tree however was left with a very deep scar.  This wound was severe and no one thought the tree would make it after such trauma.

After my husband Mark did pass away a few years later, I remember often hearing whispers from those around me of doubt for me or maybe it was just pity.  Although their intentions were often from the heart, it did hurt a little.  I was 32 with two little children.  Was I going to make it?  Did I not understand something?  Excuse me but I never thought of another option.  I had two little ones that needed to see my strength and be sheltered by me much like birds that used this tree for their home.  We stand up, we dust our self off and try to move on.  Some days are harder than others...

To be honest, there was time no poor me moments.  I just did what I had to do and moved on.  Sometimes I may have gone in a wee bit of a selfish direction but continued on none the less.  This was not the first time I felt pain or trauma and most likely would not be the last.

Sometimes it is very difficult for someone to move forward from pain or trauma.  I do understand this.  I have been blessed with devoted friends and caring family that have surrounded me through many years.  They may not have been able to heal the pain or fix my problems but they are there like the ground that surrounds this tree and have helped my roots to have something to ground me down so that I can heal and grow.

Today may bring one pain or another.  This tree reminds me that it will pass or at least ease.  Sometimes, I need that reminder.  If I can have the sunshine on my face and love in my heart, I can move forward.  This makes me happy and that makes me strong enough to do what I need to do in this world.  

I will continue to look at this tree and remind myself...

3:15 am, wide awake and in full freak out mode...

3:15 am, wide awake and in full freak out mode... Some may call this anxiety.  For me, it is full freak out mode.  I don't think of my self as having anxiety attacks.  I am not sure it has ever been an option for me to acknowledge that I could be.

It has always been expected of me to be STRONG because I didn't think of having any other options.  I feel super weak right now and this feels strange in deed.  It isn't that I think I am Wonder Woman (wish I looked like her) but I have always just done what needed to be done, accepted my reality and moved forward with it.

Tonight, excuse me, this morning at 3:15 am my heart is racing.  My breathing is fast and I am unable to sleep.  Anxiety?  Maybe.

As a mom, we have the weight of our children's future on our shoulders.  As a homeschool mom, I have that even more so.  With a child who will be an adult in 15 months, I am feeling like I have not provided him the education he has needed. Whether or not, it has been harder than pulling teeth to get him motivated, I am responsible for his education.  He needs to start Spanish now if he has any desire to attend a college.  He is too far behind in English to begin a foreign language.  His ADD, his lack of desire and my lack of skills at teaching has landed us here.  He is bright.  I don't want him to feel limited to joining the military just because of this.

Today Algebra brought my daughter to tears.  Then I was brought to tears because I feel like I have failed her at Algebra and all of her schooling.  This hurts me to see my children feel incompetent.

People are quick to say send them to school.  The fact is my local schools would only exasperate the issues for them. They are rough schools and they would just be thrown in class rooms that would not help them grow academically.  They would be pushed through the school to meet quota.

My youngest son who is facing physical battles will be turning 5 in a few weeks.  I wanted him to have a nice birthday with family and friends to help him celebrate.  He has been to several birthdays full of people and activities.  He deserves to feel the same love.  As I look at my schedule and all that I have committed I can't imagine where I will find the time to organize everything for his celebration.
Over committed I said?  Yes.  Now I have volunteered to take on a somewhat big volunteer role within Girl Scouting as a service unit manager for the area that I live in. Tonight is a meeting that I am having to run and feel like I am falling short on it already. My first meeting.  What will they think of me?   The leaders in the area need to be able to come and be helped with their troops.  Fiddle. Grr.

My husband needs me and I know this.  He encourages me to do the things I want and be involved with both my older two children's scouting/camping adventures.  Then he needs me to turn around and plan camping with him that is somewhat equal to the time I spend scouting.  This is hard to do and still have time to plan school, work, and take care of the house and all that comes with it.  Making him happy is a priority and I feel like I am not giving him all the time he wants.

His parenting style and mine are so very different.  He is more of the throw them in the pond and let them swim.  This is what he was taught.  Life is hard, deal with it kind of parenting style.  Mine is show them I am here, give them floaties, teach them to swim and make sure they feel secure.  Then send them to out to take on the world.  We could do good by merging our parenting styles.  This stresses me.  I am not sure of when to be a supportive wife and sit back or when I need to stand up.

Note that this is not a whining, poor me, give me sympathy type of post. I am trying to vent and also try to figure what the heck I can to move forward with out having a coronary.

The fact is that I am not perfect.  I am not always correct.  I do not know everything.  I make mistakes.  I loose my temper.  I forget things.

but

I do love with all my heart.  I do get hurt.  I feel pain.  I believe in doing what is right.  I want to make people laugh.  I want to help make the world be a better place. I want my children to feel love.  I want them to be happy.  I want them to be strong adults but know that each day is a new day.

Feeling overwhelmed with my life.  However, I am happy and have people in my life that care about me from great friends to my family.    Know that I appreciate what I have.  I simply feel like I have failed at several things right now and it is weighing so heavy on me.

Trying to breathe...

Ode To My Beloved Uterus

Our journey together has been a great one.  The time has come for us to part ways.  It sadens my heart to have to do this.  However, our relationship is no longer a healthy one. 

In the beginning, you decided to start your monthly visit early as I was only ten years old.  It was not what a tom boy wanted as you brought those big annoying boosoms with it.  So, I hid our realtionship as much as possible.  I was not ready for the boys I liked to climb tress with to know of your existance.  They simply would not understand.

As a teenager, you were much kinder to me than what my friends had to endure with their's.  You did not give me pain.  You came on time and left on time.  Thank you for that.   You started growing fybroids that would later cause me much pain though.

Then as a young adult, we went through four pregnancies together.  Though two were not sucessful, I do not hold you to blame for that.  Those little angels were not ready for this crazy world.  You gave me two wonderful babies still who didn't want to leave you and decided to stay with you for a extra two weeks before the doctors evicted them.

My fibroids attached to you and grew and grew and grew.  They seemed awfully attached to you but were very mean to me.  One almost caused my death at my older son's birth.  You stood strong and we made it through that.  

After my daughter's birth, the doctors wanted you to leave in case you became dangerous for me again.  My friend, a nurse parctitioner said I was too young to let you go.  She must of known your work was still not done.

Late in my thirties, your womb would be needed again to help us grow one last child that would complete our family.  You did good even though we both had some age on us.  What a wonderful little miracle came.  Three children in all were able to grow within you.  Do not think that I will ever forget this.  

Now, as I am in my forties, it is time for you to rest.  We are no longer in a good place together.  The fibroids are making you sick and in turn making me sick.  I must let you go.  Thank you for the good times and even the bad.  So long.  Farewell.

Ramblings of Me - Happiness

Life sure does change over time; daily actually.  The life that I am living today is nothing of what I had dreamed of over twenty years ago.  I don't live in the big white country house with a wrap around porch.  There are no horses in the pasture that I obviously do not have.  My veterinarian practice does not exist as well.  My bank account does not have the thousand of dollars that I imagined; just a lot of zeros.   In my beautiful dreams that I use to draw and right about, I left something very important out of them.  It is so crucial to being able to enjoy those wonderful things and yet so many of us do not plan this thing.  They do not plan ways to achieve it.  

HAPPINESS

So many of us take it for granted.  Maybe we never truly new what actual happiness was.  We would feel those natural highs from a great day with friends or maybe after purchasing a fabulous pair of shoes.  However, happiness was a luxury.  Happiness was something you read about in fairy tales as the prince on his white horse rode of with his beloved princess.  Why did we not want to be happy?  

We wanted wealth. 

We wanted good looks.

We wanted grand homes and grand cars. 

We wanted love.

We wanted children.

We wanted security.

We wanted to live a long life.

Where is the happiness?

Do I put to much into being happy?  I don't think so.  It is what I want for my family and for my friends.

At a time in my OLD AGE where happiness is of great importance for me and my children, I pray often that as they find their way into adulthood, that I am teaching them all they need to find happiness within themselves.  It is important to me to give them wings to fly and not to hinder them with their limitations.  Each one of my children have challenges.  Some are worse than others and there are other children that  fight much larger battles than my own children do.  With that being said, I try with all that I am to give them power with in themselves and not constantly remind them of what they can not or should not do.  I also do not make excuses for them due to their individual challenges.  As much as I love my children. I want them to have independence from me.  Why you ask?  In order for my children to be happy, it MUST come from within themselves.  I can not do that for them and no one else can either.  If I make them dependent upon me, they will never feel satisfaction and happiness of their own accomplishments.  If I am not here (God forbid) then they will search for happiness and self worth from others instead of knowing they are capable of it themselves.  

Please understand that I hope that my children have dreams.  I want them to chase them.  I just pray that they find self worth and happiness before searching for it in "things" or other people.  I did that myself for a long time.

I watch from afar those living lives where happiness is an after thought.  Happiness becomes a lost want, a lost need to them.

There are people that try to find happiness from someone else because they did not learn that it is only themselves that can make it happen.  When you see people that are unhappy, they tend to do one or the other by making others feel miserable so they feel better or they are constantly looking for the next person to be the one to make them happy.  Not a healthy way to live.  Been there, got a t shirt.

Once they find happiness within themselves, then they will be able to be happy with others.

Happiness is not just words in a song or part of a fairy tale ending.  It is something that we should be teaching our children and ourselves.

PS:  We may not always feel happy, like singing and dancing but being happy in general is so very important to work on.

Hope you get your HAPPY on!