My Hair Won't Even Curl

My post have all been rather upbeat until now.  Buckle up boys and girls, this is a tough one.

So, tell me.  Do you ever have one of those days that make you feel like running away?  You feel like you obviously can't do the right things or please the right people.  What is it?  Why oh why do you feel so scrambled, so darn pitiful?  Even my hair is refusing to curl today.  I have naturally curly hair and it isn't curling.  My mother loves my hair and I wanted it to look good for her tonight since it is her birthday.  Nope, not gonna happen.

My children were given TWO WHOLE HOURS while I ran errands to do their chores.  They don't have much.  It should of taken an hour.  Well, I arrive home to next to nothing done and what was done, was done spotty.  Here it is four hours after they started and my husband is due home soon.  They are still doing them...  Do they take me for a chump?  Are they trying to completely push me to no return?  I am talking Ya Ya Sisterhood kind of no return minus the beatings.  

It started earlier in the week.  My children are homeschooled.  So as a writing assignment they had to write thank you notes to all the kind people that spent their hard earned money and time buying goodies for them.  I haven't asked much of them this week as far as homeschooling goes.  Their idea of a thank you note is "thank you Buddy and Kathy".  Yep, that was it.  No details as to the gift or even their own name included.  They took the shortest quickest easiest route possible.  Then after writing them, my ungrateful alien children asked, "Mom, you didn't want us to write you and Dad and thank you note, did you?"  OMGoodness!  Really?  Did they even have to ask?

As my head is spinning, I feel like vomiting.  My blood pressure is through the roof.

Seriously, where did I go wrong?  What a failure I am feeling today.

Then there is the person that is mad with me because they feel that I didn't thank them for a box of goodies they sent me last year.  I could of sworn I did but maybe I didn't.  My husband did but obviously I forgot.  They are still angry with me over this.  I can't seem to fix that either.  I appreciate thank yous too but understand if it doesn't happen.  maybe I am too soft.

It is amazing that I feel like I am always trying to please people but in reality I am not.

An old friend and I have been chatting lately and each email has brought a smile to my face.  I have not heard from them in the last few days and I sure could use that.  Did I upset them and not realize it?  Where oh where are you?

No matter what I am doing or whom I am doing it for, I just feel like it isn't enough.  Why do I not see this until this very moment.  I really thought that I was doing good.  I don't seem to see my short comings as they are.  

My husband doesn't see that I want to spend time with just him on our anniversary.  I love my baby but we can not travel without him right now.  So in order to go anywhere he has to come.  If he comes we will be spending time with him and not each other.  The whole car ride I would be in the back with him instead of spending time with him. I keep saying that we can spend the day together just him and I doing anything.  Then he comes up with yet another trip to go on (with Chase).  UGH!

The kids need to return to public school because they have no respect for me or appreciate what I am doing for them.  

I need to run away but will take Chase with me.  He needs me.  He loves me.  He also gives me sweet kisses.

Pity Party here.  Who has balloons?  Who has the wine?  I have done enough wining already and need to chill please....

Too Sensitive and Too Raw

All my life I have heard "Kelly you are too sensitive."  The same people then tell me at another time how caring I am and how kind I am to them.  They proceed to tell me that I make them proud that I am so loving.  Then on the same breath they would say "I will get the balloons, you get teh cake and we will give Kelly a pity party.'  How can you accuse me of this?  It wasn't pity that I was feeling.  It was a world of emotions that I didn't knwo what to do with.

My children watch for me to tear up when a movie becomes sad or sentimental.  Then those famous words come out of their mouths "You are not crying again Mom are you, ugh."  Boy oh boy does this aggravate me.  It is true. I am VERY sensitive but not in a bad way. 

My preacher whom I think is a wonderful, kind and a VERY insightful man once told me that my tear ducts were directly connected to my heart.  At first I laughed but maybe he is right. 

I do know that my heart is raw and open.  This has always been a curse that embarrasses me on a daily basis.  I have zero, zilch control over the tears coming.  Even when angry, I can not stop them and trust you me, I have tried biting my lip to stop it.  There have been so many times that I would tell myself not to do.,  You can do it Kelly.  hold those tears back.  his is not the right place.  This is not the right time.  You are making poeple uncomfortable.  STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!   but still they come.

Ten years ago I went to my midwife telling her that I felt a calling to become a midwife.  SHOT DOWN!  She told me that I would be wonderful through happy births but the sad births would cripple me almost.  She knew I would not be able to control my emotions and hold back the tears.  She knew that I would take their pain in and make it my own.  She is a wise woman.  She knew and appreciated who I am.

Then there is the ex-boyfriend whom said " Kelly, every time you cry I loose respect for you."  Thank goodness he is not holding my heart.  He would of crushed it and my spirit too.  My husband knows that the waterworks are uncontrollable but love me all the more for it.

My heart is what it is.  I love my friends in such a wonderful way.  No, not a stalker, need a restraining order kind of way.  The love is just true, honest, trusting and pure love.  Friends have taken on a very different meaning for me over the years.  They have become my circle.  Each one is unique.  Each one cares for me in a unique way. Sometimes my family thinks that I am nuts to expose my self like that.  Let me tell you that I have been hurt before and most likely will be hurt again.  The joy that I get out of loving and being love is well worth the possiblity of pain.

Recently a very dear friend we will call Cathy was visitng one of her closest friends that we will call Jane.  While there Cathy went to dinner with Jane leaving Cathy's daughter with Jane's husband and two small children.  Jane's two year old boy began aspirating in his sleep.  Cathy's daughter called 911 while Jane's husband performed CPR.  The little boy died...  Cathy calls me in the middle of the night knowing that she can becuase I am here for her.  I am glad that she did becuase I love her and wouldn't want her to be "alone".  With this, I feel such emotions becuase I know that my friend is hurting.  In turn, I am hurting as well.  I don't like this feeling BUT it is ok.  When my friends or my family is hurting, I hurt to.  This is my cross to bear.

Some of us get to be great scientist or doctors.  I get to be Miss Sensitive.  That is OK becuase that is how my God made me.

Maybe, just maybe I am here with my heart open and expose to remind others that it is ok to love... to feel.... to let people in.

Merry Chirstmas!

Blessings verses Aggravations and Worries.

Today is more of venting/ chatting about the ends and outs of a confession of mine.  I have been wanting to sit down to write for some time but been busy busy.

Life has been challenging for me lately.  It has not been bad or sad, just VERY challenging.  I feel that I am suffering but unsure of why I feel so.  My blood pressure has been out of control for a some time now so they have placed me on medication (a mild medication) to try and lower it.  There are days that I feel like I am going to POP.  The kids are dragging their feet to do their chores or homework, my husband is unhappy with his job and the people he work with, my baby is biting while nursing, I am too chunky, my hip is killing me, my children talk back to me, it scares me that the children are learning enough, I can't find me time and my sweet dog is on death's door.  All this adds up and my head wants to pop.  Then I feel bad for feeling this way because of the following blessings that I have....

• Made it to age 39 (still three and a half moths until the big 40).
• I have three healthy children.  
• My husband is the most wonderful man to me and loves me almost as much as I love him (wink).
• I get to stay home with my children and "protect" them from a crummy school system and raunchie acting children
• I have a roof over my head that keeps our family safe.
• My mother and father are both alive and near by.
• The friends in my life are GOOD people.  They are a super support group for me and I truly adore each one of them.  They all have a purpose for me as I hope I do for them.  I trust them.
• My health is over all pretty ok.
• We have good transportation, aka van that thanks to my hubby stays clean and running
• The family I have is wonderful.  They are always there to love and be there to support us emotionally and with baby sitting (smiles).
• Did I mention that on top of my "birth" family that I have Tim's family that is just as much mine as his.  I simply adore them and how they love my children and me.  They are like the cherry on a a sundae, sweet as can be.
• Feel loved by many many people.
• Able to sit here typing this watching my daughter play with my youngest as my husband makes his homemade chili in the kitchen just feet from me.
• Financially ok. Just enough for what we need not necessarily what we want but all that we need and then some.

So, I ask you, why?  Why do I allow things to make me frustrated.  I need to BREATHE.  Why do I take them so darn personal?

I am trying to remember what is important.  The fact that I feel so blessed is wonderful but it is the weight of all the other stuff weighs very heavy on my five foot two inch frame.

This moment I am appreciating the ability to sit here and type while having my family near by and behaving.  In ten minutes, it may all change so I will appreciate it for the time being.  Ooops and there it went.  Just that fast..

BREATHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but would like to fly away.