Pain is worn differently by each person.

Every now and then, you here a story that makes you step back and look at your own-self and opens your eyes to the world that others have lived that you simply have no clue of.

Sunshine has been my nickname for a very long time.  Since high school I have been called it.  I never thought much about it.  To be honest, I thought it was my smile.  Smiling has always come easy to me and it really does make me feel better.  With this in mind, I believed this to be the reason of my nick name.  Today I was reminded that it was more than that.  I tend to have a TIGGERIFIC attitude to most.  It has to do with my childhood.  It was expected of me to be happy and bubbly.   I do try to look on the bright side.  I try to see my cup half full and not half empty.  If I can't get a person who is sad to go from frowning to laughing, I feel like I made a difference.  The simply truth is I feel good if and when I can make others feel good.  I am not always able to "fix" someone's sorrows...  I a not always able to be happy all the time either.  Those closest to me see it more because I trust them enough with my pain.

Magic powers?  No, I didn't believe I was special or that I had magic powers.  I thought everyone felt the way I did or at least wanted to.  Why wouldn't you want to make someone smile???  I have been perceived as uppity, fake or arrogant with my personality at times.  The truth is I have never been that person.  The simple truth is I am just me.  I don't put on air and I don't try to be someone I am not.  There are times that I hide my "issues", my "sorrows" so that I don't bring others down.  

Then you hear of someone's pain.  You hear of their truly messed up childhood.  You hear that it is a good day just for them not to loose their temper.  It isn't that they don't care if someone is happy or feels good.  It is just a daily struggle to overcome what scars their past has ripped into their soul.  They want their babies to not fight the same demons. So, they make the hard decision and don't follow the past or at least they try their best.

My life has been far from easy.  There are days in my past that I just wanted to find a closet to hide in.  Days that I wanted to fight the world.  Days that you keep asking yourself how do I take the next step.  You question your own stupid mistakes.  You pray that HE doesn't keep giving more because HE knows you can handle it.  You are just tired. Then you get up, sweep the negativity away and move the heck on.

Still, my heart aches, not out of pity but out of compassion for those all over the world that feel hopeless or injured inside.  It is a very lonely place to be.  When you are there, sometimes, you can see the ones around you reaching it to help.  I wish a few hugs could make it all better.  Reminds me of those "flighty" beauty contestants that say they want world peace.  I agree with them but don't quote me.  I will deny it.

Passion has always driven me on my road of life.  I hope to keep that no matter what is handed to me.  It will not always be easy.  It never is.    I still hurt when I see others hurt.  I don't like to hurt either. Who does?  My soul is nothing special but it is mine.  It is my choice to do with it what I can that is best for me, for my family, for my friends and all those that have a special place in my heart.

The point is that we should not judge someone so easily.  Each of us fight our own demons and daily battles in hope for a good life.  Don't be quick to assume that a person is just bad or mean.  Try to look within and beyond their walls but don't try to knock down their walls.  Those walls are security to many and trying to knock them down can do more harm than good.

Recently I saw someone post on FB the saying -FIND SOMEONE THAT CAN LOVE THE BROKEN YOU SO TIGHT THAT IT WILL BRING YOU BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.  Shoot, that isn't it but something like it.  My Tim is that man.  He continues to love me no matter my faults, my baggage, my scars, my temper and my snoring.

Chase and the new diagnoses

Today we took the whole family today to hear good news at the Shriner's Hospital of Greenville.  Tim and I felt it was important for Alexander and Grace to be a part of this aspect of Chase's life, our family's life.

Back in August, Chase saw the Shriner's doctors for the first time.  At that time, they did xrays on Chase's feet and hips.  His hips were a concern for the doctors.  However, since he wasn't walking yet, they thought it could simply be that they had not moved into place.  Today they redid the xrays.  The news was not what I had expected.  IN my heart, I had convinced myself that his hips were fine.  Though his walk with his AFOs are still wobbly, I just felt that he had imporved.

The physician told us that his hips appear to be worse than they were six months ago.  His additional diagnoses on top of CMT is DDH.  This is a hipe despexia type thing.  Most likely he will need total hip reconstruction.  This will intell cutting his bones, building a new hip socket as well as shaping the ball on his leg bone to be more "normal" and install "hardware" to hold it together on both hips.  This surgery will keep him in hospital for four or more days so that he can be watched while being given enough pain meds to help him get through all the pain he will have.  He will leave the hospital with a body cast from his upper waist down to his lower leg in a cast called a spica.  He will reamin in this for a minum of 6 weeks.  After his hips have healed complety, he will return to have surgery to remove all the hardware that had been installed.

On top of that, his right foot appears to be dropping rapidly.

I am not taken back becuase of all the issues our family will face with this surgery.  As a mother it is hard to watch my child be in pain and suffer, not understanding why this is being done to him.  He is a good boy and this seems so unfair to him.  If he was older, maybe he would understand.  My heart is aching knowing what a battle he will have to face trhough the surgeries and the spica.  The spica will make it nearly impossible to do most of his favorite things and also just the normal things.

This is very tough for me to stomache.  I will be fine.  My other two have been through some very difficult emotional things that we made it through.  I know, this too shall pass.  I just need  a little time to process...  So, if I am not real talkative, please undersatnd.  You can ask questions but sometimes I may just not have the ability to control the tears so please be understanding with that.  I am surrounded by wonderful friends and family.  With you all, I will be supported and also with my Lord's love.

Alexander and Grace were happy to have traveled with Tim and I to take Chase.  They saw some other children that were challeged with much more serious issues then our dear Chase.

The next step is for Chase to return in August on the same date as his genetic test.  They will xray him and determine if his hips have taken a turn for the worse or maybe better.