3:15 am, wide awake and in full freak out mode...

3:15 am, wide awake and in full freak out mode... Some may call this anxiety.  For me, it is full freak out mode.  I don't think of my self as having anxiety attacks.  I am not sure it has ever been an option for me to acknowledge that I could be.

It has always been expected of me to be STRONG because I didn't think of having any other options.  I feel super weak right now and this feels strange in deed.  It isn't that I think I am Wonder Woman (wish I looked like her) but I have always just done what needed to be done, accepted my reality and moved forward with it.

Tonight, excuse me, this morning at 3:15 am my heart is racing.  My breathing is fast and I am unable to sleep.  Anxiety?  Maybe.

As a mom, we have the weight of our children's future on our shoulders.  As a homeschool mom, I have that even more so.  With a child who will be an adult in 15 months, I am feeling like I have not provided him the education he has needed. Whether or not, it has been harder than pulling teeth to get him motivated, I am responsible for his education.  He needs to start Spanish now if he has any desire to attend a college.  He is too far behind in English to begin a foreign language.  His ADD, his lack of desire and my lack of skills at teaching has landed us here.  He is bright.  I don't want him to feel limited to joining the military just because of this.

Today Algebra brought my daughter to tears.  Then I was brought to tears because I feel like I have failed her at Algebra and all of her schooling.  This hurts me to see my children feel incompetent.

People are quick to say send them to school.  The fact is my local schools would only exasperate the issues for them. They are rough schools and they would just be thrown in class rooms that would not help them grow academically.  They would be pushed through the school to meet quota.

My youngest son who is facing physical battles will be turning 5 in a few weeks.  I wanted him to have a nice birthday with family and friends to help him celebrate.  He has been to several birthdays full of people and activities.  He deserves to feel the same love.  As I look at my schedule and all that I have committed I can't imagine where I will find the time to organize everything for his celebration.
Over committed I said?  Yes.  Now I have volunteered to take on a somewhat big volunteer role within Girl Scouting as a service unit manager for the area that I live in. Tonight is a meeting that I am having to run and feel like I am falling short on it already. My first meeting.  What will they think of me?   The leaders in the area need to be able to come and be helped with their troops.  Fiddle. Grr.

My husband needs me and I know this.  He encourages me to do the things I want and be involved with both my older two children's scouting/camping adventures.  Then he needs me to turn around and plan camping with him that is somewhat equal to the time I spend scouting.  This is hard to do and still have time to plan school, work, and take care of the house and all that comes with it.  Making him happy is a priority and I feel like I am not giving him all the time he wants.

His parenting style and mine are so very different.  He is more of the throw them in the pond and let them swim.  This is what he was taught.  Life is hard, deal with it kind of parenting style.  Mine is show them I am here, give them floaties, teach them to swim and make sure they feel secure.  Then send them to out to take on the world.  We could do good by merging our parenting styles.  This stresses me.  I am not sure of when to be a supportive wife and sit back or when I need to stand up.

Note that this is not a whining, poor me, give me sympathy type of post. I am trying to vent and also try to figure what the heck I can to move forward with out having a coronary.

The fact is that I am not perfect.  I am not always correct.  I do not know everything.  I make mistakes.  I loose my temper.  I forget things.

but

I do love with all my heart.  I do get hurt.  I feel pain.  I believe in doing what is right.  I want to make people laugh.  I want to help make the world be a better place. I want my children to feel love.  I want them to be happy.  I want them to be strong adults but know that each day is a new day.

Feeling overwhelmed with my life.  However, I am happy and have people in my life that care about me from great friends to my family.    Know that I appreciate what I have.  I simply feel like I have failed at several things right now and it is weighing so heavy on me.

Trying to breathe...

Ode To My Beloved Uterus

Our journey together has been a great one.  The time has come for us to part ways.  It sadens my heart to have to do this.  However, our relationship is no longer a healthy one. 

In the beginning, you decided to start your monthly visit early as I was only ten years old.  It was not what a tom boy wanted as you brought those big annoying boosoms with it.  So, I hid our realtionship as much as possible.  I was not ready for the boys I liked to climb tress with to know of your existance.  They simply would not understand.

As a teenager, you were much kinder to me than what my friends had to endure with their's.  You did not give me pain.  You came on time and left on time.  Thank you for that.   You started growing fybroids that would later cause me much pain though.

Then as a young adult, we went through four pregnancies together.  Though two were not sucessful, I do not hold you to blame for that.  Those little angels were not ready for this crazy world.  You gave me two wonderful babies still who didn't want to leave you and decided to stay with you for a extra two weeks before the doctors evicted them.

My fibroids attached to you and grew and grew and grew.  They seemed awfully attached to you but were very mean to me.  One almost caused my death at my older son's birth.  You stood strong and we made it through that.  

After my daughter's birth, the doctors wanted you to leave in case you became dangerous for me again.  My friend, a nurse parctitioner said I was too young to let you go.  She must of known your work was still not done.

Late in my thirties, your womb would be needed again to help us grow one last child that would complete our family.  You did good even though we both had some age on us.  What a wonderful little miracle came.  Three children in all were able to grow within you.  Do not think that I will ever forget this.  

Now, as I am in my forties, it is time for you to rest.  We are no longer in a good place together.  The fibroids are making you sick and in turn making me sick.  I must let you go.  Thank you for the good times and even the bad.  So long.  Farewell.