My Hair Won't Even Curl

My post have all been rather upbeat until now.  Buckle up boys and girls, this is a tough one.

So, tell me.  Do you ever have one of those days that make you feel like running away?  You feel like you obviously can't do the right things or please the right people.  What is it?  Why oh why do you feel so scrambled, so darn pitiful?  Even my hair is refusing to curl today.  I have naturally curly hair and it isn't curling.  My mother loves my hair and I wanted it to look good for her tonight since it is her birthday.  Nope, not gonna happen.

My children were given TWO WHOLE HOURS while I ran errands to do their chores.  They don't have much.  It should of taken an hour.  Well, I arrive home to next to nothing done and what was done, was done spotty.  Here it is four hours after they started and my husband is due home soon.  They are still doing them...  Do they take me for a chump?  Are they trying to completely push me to no return?  I am talking Ya Ya Sisterhood kind of no return minus the beatings.  

It started earlier in the week.  My children are homeschooled.  So as a writing assignment they had to write thank you notes to all the kind people that spent their hard earned money and time buying goodies for them.  I haven't asked much of them this week as far as homeschooling goes.  Their idea of a thank you note is "thank you Buddy and Kathy".  Yep, that was it.  No details as to the gift or even their own name included.  They took the shortest quickest easiest route possible.  Then after writing them, my ungrateful alien children asked, "Mom, you didn't want us to write you and Dad and thank you note, did you?"  OMGoodness!  Really?  Did they even have to ask?

As my head is spinning, I feel like vomiting.  My blood pressure is through the roof.

Seriously, where did I go wrong?  What a failure I am feeling today.

Then there is the person that is mad with me because they feel that I didn't thank them for a box of goodies they sent me last year.  I could of sworn I did but maybe I didn't.  My husband did but obviously I forgot.  They are still angry with me over this.  I can't seem to fix that either.  I appreciate thank yous too but understand if it doesn't happen.  maybe I am too soft.

It is amazing that I feel like I am always trying to please people but in reality I am not.

An old friend and I have been chatting lately and each email has brought a smile to my face.  I have not heard from them in the last few days and I sure could use that.  Did I upset them and not realize it?  Where oh where are you?

No matter what I am doing or whom I am doing it for, I just feel like it isn't enough.  Why do I not see this until this very moment.  I really thought that I was doing good.  I don't seem to see my short comings as they are.  

My husband doesn't see that I want to spend time with just him on our anniversary.  I love my baby but we can not travel without him right now.  So in order to go anywhere he has to come.  If he comes we will be spending time with him and not each other.  The whole car ride I would be in the back with him instead of spending time with him. I keep saying that we can spend the day together just him and I doing anything.  Then he comes up with yet another trip to go on (with Chase).  UGH!

The kids need to return to public school because they have no respect for me or appreciate what I am doing for them.  

I need to run away but will take Chase with me.  He needs me.  He loves me.  He also gives me sweet kisses.

Pity Party here.  Who has balloons?  Who has the wine?  I have done enough wining already and need to chill please....

Too Sensitive and Too Raw

All my life I have heard "Kelly you are too sensitive."  The same people then tell me at another time how caring I am and how kind I am to them.  They proceed to tell me that I make them proud that I am so loving.  Then on the same breath they would say "I will get the balloons, you get teh cake and we will give Kelly a pity party.'  How can you accuse me of this?  It wasn't pity that I was feeling.  It was a world of emotions that I didn't knwo what to do with.

My children watch for me to tear up when a movie becomes sad or sentimental.  Then those famous words come out of their mouths "You are not crying again Mom are you, ugh."  Boy oh boy does this aggravate me.  It is true. I am VERY sensitive but not in a bad way. 

My preacher whom I think is a wonderful, kind and a VERY insightful man once told me that my tear ducts were directly connected to my heart.  At first I laughed but maybe he is right. 

I do know that my heart is raw and open.  This has always been a curse that embarrasses me on a daily basis.  I have zero, zilch control over the tears coming.  Even when angry, I can not stop them and trust you me, I have tried biting my lip to stop it.  There have been so many times that I would tell myself not to do.,  You can do it Kelly.  hold those tears back.  his is not the right place.  This is not the right time.  You are making poeple uncomfortable.  STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!   but still they come.

Ten years ago I went to my midwife telling her that I felt a calling to become a midwife.  SHOT DOWN!  She told me that I would be wonderful through happy births but the sad births would cripple me almost.  She knew I would not be able to control my emotions and hold back the tears.  She knew that I would take their pain in and make it my own.  She is a wise woman.  She knew and appreciated who I am.

Then there is the ex-boyfriend whom said " Kelly, every time you cry I loose respect for you."  Thank goodness he is not holding my heart.  He would of crushed it and my spirit too.  My husband knows that the waterworks are uncontrollable but love me all the more for it.

My heart is what it is.  I love my friends in such a wonderful way.  No, not a stalker, need a restraining order kind of way.  The love is just true, honest, trusting and pure love.  Friends have taken on a very different meaning for me over the years.  They have become my circle.  Each one is unique.  Each one cares for me in a unique way. Sometimes my family thinks that I am nuts to expose my self like that.  Let me tell you that I have been hurt before and most likely will be hurt again.  The joy that I get out of loving and being love is well worth the possiblity of pain.

Recently a very dear friend we will call Cathy was visitng one of her closest friends that we will call Jane.  While there Cathy went to dinner with Jane leaving Cathy's daughter with Jane's husband and two small children.  Jane's two year old boy began aspirating in his sleep.  Cathy's daughter called 911 while Jane's husband performed CPR.  The little boy died...  Cathy calls me in the middle of the night knowing that she can becuase I am here for her.  I am glad that she did becuase I love her and wouldn't want her to be "alone".  With this, I feel such emotions becuase I know that my friend is hurting.  In turn, I am hurting as well.  I don't like this feeling BUT it is ok.  When my friends or my family is hurting, I hurt to.  This is my cross to bear.

Some of us get to be great scientist or doctors.  I get to be Miss Sensitive.  That is OK becuase that is how my God made me.

Maybe, just maybe I am here with my heart open and expose to remind others that it is ok to love... to feel.... to let people in.

Merry Chirstmas!

Blessings verses Aggravations and Worries.

Today is more of venting/ chatting about the ends and outs of a confession of mine.  I have been wanting to sit down to write for some time but been busy busy.

Life has been challenging for me lately.  It has not been bad or sad, just VERY challenging.  I feel that I am suffering but unsure of why I feel so.  My blood pressure has been out of control for a some time now so they have placed me on medication (a mild medication) to try and lower it.  There are days that I feel like I am going to POP.  The kids are dragging their feet to do their chores or homework, my husband is unhappy with his job and the people he work with, my baby is biting while nursing, I am too chunky, my hip is killing me, my children talk back to me, it scares me that the children are learning enough, I can't find me time and my sweet dog is on death's door.  All this adds up and my head wants to pop.  Then I feel bad for feeling this way because of the following blessings that I have....

• Made it to age 39 (still three and a half moths until the big 40).
• I have three healthy children.  
• My husband is the most wonderful man to me and loves me almost as much as I love him (wink).
• I get to stay home with my children and "protect" them from a crummy school system and raunchie acting children
• I have a roof over my head that keeps our family safe.
• My mother and father are both alive and near by.
• The friends in my life are GOOD people.  They are a super support group for me and I truly adore each one of them.  They all have a purpose for me as I hope I do for them.  I trust them.
• My health is over all pretty ok.
• We have good transportation, aka van that thanks to my hubby stays clean and running
• The family I have is wonderful.  They are always there to love and be there to support us emotionally and with baby sitting (smiles).
• Did I mention that on top of my "birth" family that I have Tim's family that is just as much mine as his.  I simply adore them and how they love my children and me.  They are like the cherry on a a sundae, sweet as can be.
• Feel loved by many many people.
• Able to sit here typing this watching my daughter play with my youngest as my husband makes his homemade chili in the kitchen just feet from me.
• Financially ok. Just enough for what we need not necessarily what we want but all that we need and then some.

So, I ask you, why?  Why do I allow things to make me frustrated.  I need to BREATHE.  Why do I take them so darn personal?

I am trying to remember what is important.  The fact that I feel so blessed is wonderful but it is the weight of all the other stuff weighs very heavy on my five foot two inch frame.

This moment I am appreciating the ability to sit here and type while having my family near by and behaving.  In ten minutes, it may all change so I will appreciate it for the time being.  Ooops and there it went.  Just that fast..

BREATHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but would like to fly away.

Pressure of Parenthood and a Homeschooler

Homeschooling and parenting puts all the pressure on a person.  Maybe this is why my blood pressure keeps shooting up. LOL

In my heart of hearts, I know that the steps that I have taken to teach my children is the right thing for our family.  God reminds me of this when I start to doubt myself and my decision.  Sometimes, He places a person into the equation or maybe He has me stumble onto a new homeschool blog or social group.

My children are already growing.  Academically and emotionally I see new growth.  There is a smile upon their face and a skip in their step.  This warms my heart.

It does prove to be very trying on me and our family.  Time is spent educating that could be spent cleaning or working (job).  These are the small things in the big picture.  Our family is in a good place right now. Our health is good, our home is a safe haven, and we have wonderful friends to encourage our decision to homeschool our children.

Days are sometimes filled with me wondering what I could be leaving out that could hinder their future.  Then I am reminded by wonderful people that the kids will learn what they need because as a mother that puts them first, I will make sure that if I can't provide them what they need, I will find a place they can get it.  They do have classes outside of the home.  They venture into the world that is full of so many things to learn.  They do not sit in a four room class and read about it.  They are living it and finding out for themselves all that life has to offer.

This was a day that we went to to the Infantry Museum with my Grandfather who is a WWII veteran .  It was a wonderful history lesson that I learned from as well. 

Of course, once I get beyond the teacher stress, it rolls back to the stress of motherhood.  Every word, every action that I make can determine my children's life direction.  I must be kind but firm.  I must be positive yet show errors in order for the children to learn from them.  Nurture and not hinder.  What is too much?  What is too little?  Where to begin?  Where to end?  To comfort but not to coddle.

Each day I wake up asking what I need to do to help my children grow.  Each night I ask myself if I did enough.  I am sure that this cycle will continue for a very long time.  I am OK with that.  When I decided to have children, I made that commitment to them.  I know they were not pets.  These little beings will depend on me for many years if not forever.  

At 39 I still look for my mother for guidance and support.  My father is also a source that I go to for his knowledge and approval.  As parents we never stop caring. We never stop loving.  Happiness is always what we are wishing for children.  So I will guide them, lead them by example.  I will make mistakes.  I will make lots of mistakes.  All I can do is give it my best, love them and show them what a wonderful and trying gift that life is.

The Milk and Honey in My Tea

While in the Outer Banks for a quick vacation with one of my oldest and dearest friends, I discovered the Milk and Honey in My Tea is Chase and Hope.  These two enjoyed one another's company.  At times, it appeared to me that they were having a conversation.  This conversation was casual and polite.  One would say a few babbles while the other waited for them to finish.  Once they stopped the other baby would chime in with their view on things.  I was even witness to a few kisses between the two.  It was one of those moments that make you stop, slow down and enjoy the simple times of life.

Life is a beautiful gift.  My God has blessed me with the wonderful little boy that I gave birth to last October.  Then in November, God blessed me twice with this beautiful little girl in my life.  Though she is not my daughter, she was placed in my life for some reason.  This reason was to impact my dearest friends life.  I may not have money to buy riches for her but God already new that.  He did put me in the right place at the right time to help be a part of something bigger.  Lucky me.

There was one time I was part of something so special that it took my breath away and that was at the birth of my great-nephew Logan.  Seeing him come into the world, taking his first breath and screaming at the top of his lungs to say HELLO WORLD was the diggity bomb!  Logan was looking at his mother Erin and his mother was looking at him with such instant love.  I saw the bond emerge.  It was simply incredible.

I thought that I would never witness such an incredible event again.  How can that be beat?  Well, I wouldn't say that it was beat so to speak but there is a close runner up.

On an unexpected day, I witnessed a mother that just gave birth to her baby girl do the most selfless thing ever.  She took this beautiful baby girl that was in her womb for all those months and handed her to another couple.  She wanted better for her baby.  She believed in something bigger than her own self.  As I felt such heart ache watching that, only imagining her own heart ache, I also felt such joy watching two strangers fall madly and hopelessly in love with this darling baby girl.  The bond between these two people were an instant love for this precious little life.  It was overwhelming at times to watch all of this.  I knew my God was watching over all these individuals to comfort them and walk them through all this.  I knew that He had a plan and it was bigger than all of us.

Once again I am blessed.  To be a witness to His work.  To be a part of someone's happiness... To be a part of someone's sacrifice...  To be a part of a little ones life...  To be reminded that it isn't all about me.  Life is GOoD

This little angel is now my Godchild.  What a wonderful and unexpected honor it is.  She is so full of life.  She is amazing.  I look forward to watching her grow and thrive in her life.  I know that she will.

You ask why?  Well, I watched those two "strangers" that now are Mommy and Daddy interact with her.  I see the smiles on their face as they look at hers.  I fell the warmth of their love for her when they speak of her.  I also see the protection and constant watchful eye over her.  I am in awe.  I see the family of these parents hold this baby, kiss this baby, play with this baby and love this baby.  Once again, I am in awe of such a beautiful love that is bigger than any other love.

So, as I lay my head down tonight, my heart is full and happy thinking of these two babies that are the Milk and the Honey in my Tea.

The Wedding Dress

A wedding dress can represent so many different things to different women.  To one woman, the dress can be sentimental.  She is going to walk down the aisle in the very same dress that her mother wed her father so many years ago.  Another woman may see it as a status symbol.  She will spend her wedding budget on a majestic gown that shouts " look at me and all that I have accomplished."  Yet another woman may see her gown as her one chance to be the princess that she always dreamed of being since she was a little girl playing dress up in her Cinderella play clothes.

The feelings about my dress have been steered up by the recent engagement of my sister.  I pulled my wedding dress out of the closet today.  Yes, it is a dress but it also represents the union that I share with Tim.  Smiles cross my face just to look at it.

 

This wedding dress that I am looking at as I type this blog represents a union pure of love, innocent and true love.  It is simple, yet elegant.  Understated yet eye catching.  The ivory gown is decorated with elegant embroidery and dainty crystals that scream my name.  The borders of the dress are champagne in color; just enough contrast to add a little edge to it.  The veil was lace with a vintage feel.  

I did not expect to have to have another wedding gown in my lifetime.  However we don't always get what we expect.  Falling in love was not something that I thought would happen to me again.  I surely didn't expect to find such a peaceful love.

It is true, the moment I tried on my dress, tears came.  The dress was a perfect fit for me just as Tim is perfect for me.  He grounds me.  He lifts me up.  He loves Alexander and Grace.  His family welcomed us with open arms.  The dress was just a sign that it was real and I was able to love again.  Did I deserve this?

On the day of my wedding, I kept the tears held back.  For those that know me, know that is a difficult task.  Not a tear was shed until I was walking down the aisle.  Tim was standing at the end smiling.  My father was holding me tight.  Everyone that was dear to me was in this church.  I look to my left and there stood my father-in-law.  No this was not Tim's dad but my late husband's dad Henry.  His face had tears streaming.  Not a little tear, not watery eyes but tears streaming down his face in a full on downpour.  Yes, I could no longer hold my tears back any longer...  I knew this was where I needed to be.  I knew that it would all be OK.  Henry was my stamp of approval.

So, in a way I had that sentimental (Henry's tears), "look at me now and all that I have accomplished" (I survived the death of my children's father and found love again) and finally a Cinderella princess (though I had never believed in happily ever after it was finally something I could believe in).  From the family that I had to the friends that held me up and to the new family I was receiving, my dreams came true.

Sentimental Cinderella made it with the help of God.  He believed in me even when I didn't. 

I love my wedding dress for all that it represents.  I love the feelings that I get just thinking about that magical day that I wed Tim and the fact that Alexander, Grace, Tim and I became a family.

Surround Yourself with Those Who You Can Call FRIEND

Looking up at the tree tops, I lay on my back swinging with Chase laying on my tummy.  The back yard is cool with the shade of the old trees that rise above my home, their branches dancing about with the wind tickling each leaf...  The kids and I retreated to the backyard since the air conditioner decided it was too tired to run anymore.  Before leaving the inside of our stuffy house I left a quick status update on the social internet highway.  Quickly, I received invites from friends to come to their home and cool off...

It may have taken many years to realize what true friends are, what they are to me and what I am to them; what I need to be to them and how I need them to be for me.

We have all seen those catchy emails about having different friends for different seasons and reasons.  It is true.  God puts friends in our lives at the right time that we need them.  We may not even realize it until they have been pulled from our lives to serve as a friend to someone else in need.

I had a very dark time in my life when my spouse passed away.  Little did I know that the Lord had friends that were building deep bonds with me months before the death took place.  Those friends were the ones that held me up and dried my tears while filling my soul with laughter and love.  They remained near by all they way through the time that I meet my current husband.  They held my hand and encouraged me to take the steps to my own happiness.  Shortly after delivering me to my new life, they left to pursue further dreams of their own. Though they are thousands of miles from me, they could not be any closer to my heart.  Blessed to say the least.

Some friends seem to be going through things that you have and you are able to listen and guide them through difficult times.  Other friends have done this for you as well.  Amazingly He puts everyone in place to make sure that you are comforted and reassured that you can make it through those tough times.

Of course, unexpected friends are great too.  It could be someone that your children play with their children, participate in sports with, scouts or homeschool activities.  A lot of the time you think that these women seem nice.  However, you don't foresee the opportunities that could lie in friendships with them but you count your blessings when little things happen to remind you how wonderful it is when they are there.  You begin to learn that this are extraordinary women lying in the bodies of ordinary mothers.  They amaze you in the everyday things.

Then there are those friends that you never seem to forget about.  They leave a permanent impression on your heart.  They began as your childhood buddy or maybe a high school pal.  You grew up together sharing tea parties and talking about boys with.  Your families moved away from another but you held fast to write letters to one another.  Twist of faith and you loose touched.  You never stop thinking about them; caring about them.  Then by the Grace of God, you find one another against all the odds.  Not only do you pick up where you left off, it is better than ever.

In my life, I have a variety of friends that bless me with their friendship, no two are alike.  I can't imagine life without each and every one.  The spots that they hold in my heart is priceless.

"Most people come into our lives and quickly leave. It is the special few that come in and leave a footprint in our hearts. and we are forever changed."



"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin

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What a wonderful way to start my day!

Can I tell you that the most wonderful way to wake up is with your precious baby nestled at your bosom.  In the wee hours when my vision is still blurry and I can hear the birds singing their song outside my bedroom window, I get to hold Chase, my youngest.  He is 7 1/2 months old and still nursing.  As he suckles his morning breakfast, his little soft hands hold on to my fingers.  There is no drug, no coffee, no diet coke (my drug of choice) that can wake me up in a better mood than Chase is able to.  

His innocence that is still dancing in his soul.  His thoughts are pure.  In his eyes, I have hung the moon and carefully placed stars to dance and entertain him.  Though he does not know what love is, he loves me with out a thought.  It is natural to him to trust and love me.  How precious.  How lucky am I.  Blessed by God to put this child in my life just when HE knew that I would need him so.  My SAVIOR graced me.  He graced our family.  We could not love him anymore than we do.  

Chase looks into my eyes and breaks away.  Smiles, coos and then attaches back to me.  I breath a deep breath and know that today may have it's challenges but all will be good.  Life is GOoD.  I am thankful.

Overwhelmed to say the least

There are days when my head is cringing as the two little creatures that I call my children are arguing once again. What are they arguing about you ask?  Well, the same old things - "He is being RUDE" she sates.  " She won't mind her own business and she is singing again!" Seriously?  What in the world am I thinking to take on homeschooling BOTH darling little angels in the fall?  (note the sarcasm) 

I like to think of myself as intelligent, creative and all in all a well rounded person.   I am not the most disciplined individual however.  This past year homeschooling my oldest, Alexander has been a journey.  Poor guy got more home economics than anything else.  He can change a diaper, rock a baby and make a fussy baby laugh.  I don't know about Harvard in his future but he will be a GREAT daddy and husband.  At this rate, there is going to be one lucky lady who is married to him.  However, they better have a good job to take care of their stay at home husband.  Did I tell you that he has mastered bathrooms, laundry and kitchen floors?  Joking set aside.  I don't know how I would of made it these past 7 months without him at home with me.  He has been a wonderful help to me and the baby, Chase.  How many new moms get to take a shower as needed?  

Back to the real issues.  I have struggled to teach Alexander all that he should of learned this year.  He was already throughly behind in everything.  How the public school system let him through is beyond me.  Snitzer doodle!  My intentions were good.  Agendas were bought and filled out.  He had his and I had mine.  They were very pretty/whimsical with Christian info and also had helpful stories for homeschool teachers like me.  By January they were MIA.  That is Missing In Action.  I did sign him up for science class and felt like he was learning something but he scored a 73.  Oh well, next!

The two older little darlings are going to need to learn to have a little compassion for one another or their cute little bums will find themselves returning to the schools of their nightmares.

A Little About Me (that is original)

The usual things - Married mother of three.  My children are aged 12 years, 10 years and 7 months.  Yes, the third child is that second time around baby.  My older children's father passed away many years ago when they were very small.  The good Lord blessed us with a wonderful man five years ago.  He has been amazing walking into a ready made family.

I currently homeschool my 12 year old.  The school system here is not a good match for him.  So I ventured into homeschooling in 2010.  That was one of those things I said I would NEVER do.  Never say NEVER.  This summer I am pulling my 10 year old out of public schools to homeschool as well.  Say many prayers for me please.  I will need them.  Most of the time I feel like I am not measuring up to the other homeschool moms around me.  They seem to have it all together.  I feel more like I am doing the dog paddle to keep up while they are doing the breaststroke.

Life has been a roller-coaster for me.  I have experienced more that I would have like to in the "downers" but have also had many "uppers" that continue to outnumber the other.  Life hasn't been easy and there are times that I just want to SCREAM.   I know that much still lies ahead of me.  So, I will just throw my arms up and enjoy the ride.  "Weeeeeeee"  What else should I do?  The Lord gives us this journey to mold us into the person that He see fit; not what I see as fit or what my neighbor Susie Mae sees fit.