Too Sensitive and Too Raw

All my life I have heard "Kelly you are too sensitive."  The same people then tell me at another time how caring I am and how kind I am to them.  They proceed to tell me that I make them proud that I am so loving.  Then on the same breath they would say "I will get the balloons, you get teh cake and we will give Kelly a pity party.'  How can you accuse me of this?  It wasn't pity that I was feeling.  It was a world of emotions that I didn't knwo what to do with.

My children watch for me to tear up when a movie becomes sad or sentimental.  Then those famous words come out of their mouths "You are not crying again Mom are you, ugh."  Boy oh boy does this aggravate me.  It is true. I am VERY sensitive but not in a bad way. 

My preacher whom I think is a wonderful, kind and a VERY insightful man once told me that my tear ducts were directly connected to my heart.  At first I laughed but maybe he is right. 

I do know that my heart is raw and open.  This has always been a curse that embarrasses me on a daily basis.  I have zero, zilch control over the tears coming.  Even when angry, I can not stop them and trust you me, I have tried biting my lip to stop it.  There have been so many times that I would tell myself not to do.,  You can do it Kelly.  hold those tears back.  his is not the right place.  This is not the right time.  You are making poeple uncomfortable.  STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!   but still they come.

Ten years ago I went to my midwife telling her that I felt a calling to become a midwife.  SHOT DOWN!  She told me that I would be wonderful through happy births but the sad births would cripple me almost.  She knew I would not be able to control my emotions and hold back the tears.  She knew that I would take their pain in and make it my own.  She is a wise woman.  She knew and appreciated who I am.

Then there is the ex-boyfriend whom said " Kelly, every time you cry I loose respect for you."  Thank goodness he is not holding my heart.  He would of crushed it and my spirit too.  My husband knows that the waterworks are uncontrollable but love me all the more for it.

My heart is what it is.  I love my friends in such a wonderful way.  No, not a stalker, need a restraining order kind of way.  The love is just true, honest, trusting and pure love.  Friends have taken on a very different meaning for me over the years.  They have become my circle.  Each one is unique.  Each one cares for me in a unique way. Sometimes my family thinks that I am nuts to expose my self like that.  Let me tell you that I have been hurt before and most likely will be hurt again.  The joy that I get out of loving and being love is well worth the possiblity of pain.

Recently a very dear friend we will call Cathy was visitng one of her closest friends that we will call Jane.  While there Cathy went to dinner with Jane leaving Cathy's daughter with Jane's husband and two small children.  Jane's two year old boy began aspirating in his sleep.  Cathy's daughter called 911 while Jane's husband performed CPR.  The little boy died...  Cathy calls me in the middle of the night knowing that she can becuase I am here for her.  I am glad that she did becuase I love her and wouldn't want her to be "alone".  With this, I feel such emotions becuase I know that my friend is hurting.  In turn, I am hurting as well.  I don't like this feeling BUT it is ok.  When my friends or my family is hurting, I hurt to.  This is my cross to bear.

Some of us get to be great scientist or doctors.  I get to be Miss Sensitive.  That is OK becuase that is how my God made me.

Maybe, just maybe I am here with my heart open and expose to remind others that it is ok to love... to feel.... to let people in.

Merry Chirstmas!